The Idiot Parade

Posted: January 14, 2015 in A day in Life
Tags: , , ,

I will first apologize for this is probably more of a rant ( and if you don’t like rants you should probably stop reading here) and second for no picture but I am sure just driving to or from your place of employment, the store or wherever your gas/diesel/electricity/wind/nuclear/garbage-powered engine vehicle takes you, an envisionment of the Idiot Parade will be yours. (I am pretty sure that is not a real word but I like it and it fits, so there! Of all the English words people abuse on a daily…no hourly…no minutia basis, skip this one and go concentrate on there, their, they’re/its,it’s/where, wear, ware/too, two, to and oh for the love of Pete –  should of? REALLY? (and now I have to make more parens…for those lost on the latter it is should have or should’ve. Now go return your high school diploma and apologize. Nix that. Elementary school diploma.)).

The Idiot Parade is that line of cars that you get stuck in, even if NOT running late and in a hurry (which only amplifies the parade’s mass and inertia). If there is only one lane you are behind the bozo going 15+ miles below the speed limit OR the vehicle behind that bozo. You assume it is the most forward car’s complete ignorance of the world around him or her (or lack of a properly functioning gas pedal for the optimists in the group). That is until the passing lane. This is where the parade splits off into two lanes and now it is absolutely crystal clear that there are actually two bozos and now they are pacing each other leaving you stuck behind one or the other. If by some stroke of luck one of them turns off mid parade, just as you clear that vehicle you are immediately cut off by another vehicle that turned in from a side road. AND they have out of state plates. AND it quickly becomes painfully apparent that whomever is behind the wheel is texting, talking on their cell phone, eating a sandwich with a fork, putting on lipstick, cleaning out the glove box, lost, looking for an address OR any combination of these. You are doomed and you know it. But human nature prevails so you crank up the tunes and get your game face on. Denial is such a beautiful thing. And so you spend the (fill in the blank) X number of minutes (or Lord help you super city dwellers who live 20 miles from work and spend two hours commuting…HOURS) trying to vie your way around every float in that parade.

Then, there are the asshat (beautiful, descriptive noun) parade goers who get some sort of high off of irritating other parade goers. These are the giant bags of vinegar who will happily go 70 in a 55 just to keep you from passing. These are THOSE people who also love to do super sub-speed limit mphs until that solid yellow center line goes away and then will gladly do 20-plus over just to keep you behind them and flex that muscle just as you are passing. No wonder there is road rage. AND grumpy old people. And don’t get me going about the complete amnesia today’s drivers seem to have when it comes to turn signals. Or maybe it is just too physically difficult to reach up and go FLICK?!?!? Speaking of reaching up and going “flick”…I mean smile, of course.

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